Excuse me, I didn't know I got married

The other day while  sorting out an appointment at a Lusaka clinic and going through the usual paper work I noticed that the lady assisting me put me down as a “Mrs” on one of the forms. I must've gotten drunk and had a quickie wedding in Vegas and forgot about it. But seriously, the lady didn't ask, she just assumed I’m married. This annoyed me a little but honestly didn’t surprise me. This has happened to me a lot and it’s happened to some of my unmarried female friends and relatives. In Zambia if you’re a woman over a certain age, chances are people will assume you’re married.

On the one hand I get it. People in Zambia still get married at a relatively young age. According to a 2009 sexual behaviour survey (the latest one I could find), the average age at which women marry is 18.7 for women and 23 for men. As a female well into my 20s I’m several years past the average age at which females in Zambia get married. But seriously, how hard is it to ask before you fill in my details on the form? How hard is it to just put me down as “Ms” which is applicable to all women regardless of their marital status?

After I graduated from uni and returned to Zambia I had a couple of older ladies, both were family friends, say to me upon discovering that I was done with my studies and looking for a job, “So when’s the wedding?” It was said jokingly but there was an element of seriousness too. I had just finished uni and so naturally finding myself a husband was among the goals I had set for myself. At least that’s what a lot of people seemed to think. Many years before this, while my family’s maid was teaching me how to cook a few basic things she said something to me I’ll never forget. She told me it was important that I pay attention and learn as much as possible because no man wants to marry a woman who can’t cook. Apparently should a man marry me and find I’m no domestic goddess he’ll promptly leave me for our maid. I chose to shut up rather than tell her I would never marry a man who did not see me as an equal partner and who wasn’t willing to do household chores but instead expected me to be his domestic helper and personal chef. Truth be told, part of me I resented the fact that I had to learn how to cook. I was certain that if I were male no one would insist that I learn, especially in the Zambian context. I’d only be expected to partake of meals but not to ever prepare one or even wash a dish.

Interestingly enough the lady warning me on the perils of not being an excellent cook is herself an independent and unmarried woman who seemingly has no intention of ever getting married. Despite this she assumed that finding a husband was one of my major life goals. And there lies the problem in my eyes, the assumptions; the assumption either that I’m married or hunting for a husband. Sure the average Zambian woman my age is married, but hey, I guess I’m more than just average.

200+ Nigerian girls for sale but who’s buying?

As you may have heard, on April 14^th members of the Islamist group Boko Haram abducted 276 girls from their boarding school in Chibok, Nigeria. On the 4^th of May a further 11 girls were abducted by the same group from a village in Borno state. It’s a heartbreaking and bewildering situation to say the least. One has to wonder how so many girls could be smuggled out of their school without a single staff member noticing. The Nigerian government’s nonchalant attitude has also been baffling. Reports emerged claiming that some of the girls have been married off to their captors and some have been sold into forced marriages for $12. The head of Boko Haram has since appeared on video proudly confirming that the plan is indeed to sell these girls, aged 12-18.

Most people including myself are, unsurprisingly, disgusted by Boko Haram’s actions. However, I can’t help but shift my attention to the men that have bought and will buy the abducted girls. What kind of a man literally looks at a girl as a piece of property to be bought and sold, in 2014 no less? I understand that for many people marriage is not about love and mutual respect. For some a husband is someone to provide financial stability and material goods. For others a wife is someone to take care of the household and bear children. But who in their right mind thinks it is OK to buy a wife, especially one that was stolen away from her family? These men are essentially buying slaves, not wives. They will treat the women as nothing more than sex slaves and domestic labourers. I shudder to think of the children born out of these unholy unions. How these men can justify participating in human trafficking and modern day slave trade is beyond comprehension.

I support the #BringBackOurGirls social media campaign though I do have some reservations; I wonder just how much this social media campaign can last and question how much it'll achieve before it invevitably stops trending. The bigger issue is that we need to destroy Boko Haram (and all other harmful religious fundamentalist movements). The men who buy these girls must also be dealt with severely. Boko Haram has shown how easy it is for them to kill and abduct innocent people. If the girls are rescued they could probably just as easily abduct and enslave more girls. Bringing back our girls is a step in the right direction but much more needs to be done.

Lupita Nyong’o is the world’s most beautiful person, for 2014 at least

People magazine has released its annual list of the world’s most beautiful people and this year Kenyan actress Lupita Nyong’o is number one. My initial reaction to this was a mix of surprise and delight. While I think Lupita’s gorgeous I was surprised she topped the list simply because girls who look like her don’t often make it onto lists like that. Look up any major annual list of beauties and you’ll mostly find white women and maybe a couple of light skinned black women with long flowing, straight hair thrown in to add a little ‘diversity’.

The positive side to this

Lupita has noted that when she was younger she equated beauty with light skin and long, straight hair. She may have gotten over that view and embraced her looks but many more have not. I live in an African country where I see more weaves and wigs than natural African hair and skin lighteners are easy to come by and increasingly popular. (This is not to say that anyone who wears weaves and wigs or lightens themselves is necessarily consumed with self-hatred.) For a while I gave up on going to hair salons because I was tired of hairdressers asking me why I won’t just relax (chemically straighten) my hair. The number of hairdressers I’ve come across in Lusaka who either don’t want to deal with natural African hair or are just clueless about what to do with it is astounding. While Ive never used skin lighteners, there was a time I thought lighter skin would make me attractive. With this in mind it’s great to see one of the world's top celebrity magazines embrace both her natural hair and dark skin.

It’s possible that many black girls and women will be get a boost from seeing someone who looks like them being declared the world’s most beautiful person. Dark skinned black females as well as black females with natural hair have a new beauty icon to look up to. Black women have been featured on People list of the 50 most beautiful people before and even been awarded the title. Beyoncé topped the list in 2012 but considering the fact that she has pale skin and more often than not is seen donning one of her trademark blonde wigs, her win didn’t do much to make dark skinned women proud or validate black beauty.

On the other hand

While I appreciate positive media coverage of black women and women in general my excitement over Lupita’s latest accolade didn’t last that long. Lists like these are unrealistic and the title of the award is deceptive. It’s about popularity at the end of the day. Lupita is Hollywood’s latest 'It girl' and chances are she would not have been considered for People’s list if she had not recently starred in a hit movie and won a slew of awards. Furthermore, the idea that people sit in a room and decide who the world's most beautiful people are on behalf of everyone else is absurd.

I wouldn’t want to understate or overstate the importance of Lupita being declared the world’s most beautiful person by people. On the one hand People is just a gossip magazine but then again magazines like these help us form our ideas about beauty. If Lupita’s latest accolade helps challenge people’s single-minded ideas of what beauty is and helps a variety of women feel better about themselves, then it’s a good thing.