“Whatever you’re trying to do...Don’t forget that God sees,”
the message began. I didn’t read the rest for several days but I knew
instinctively what this was about. It was a message from a lady who was
uncomfortable with me, a single woman, being friends with her husband. I had
previously sensed that she disliked me and she had struck me as the jealous
type but I decided to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt.
The message upset me more than it shocked me. For a start,
despite what she may have thought, I wasn’t trying to steal away her man or
anything of the sort. I thought she had a lot of nerve looking me up on
Facebook and sending a message to falsely accuse me of something she had no
evidence for.
However what was more upsetting than the false accusation
was that she chose to attack “the other woman” rather than talk to her husband.
I was an easy target. Rather than work up the courage to have a difficult talk
with her husband about their relationship she confronted me from behind a
computer screen.
But let’s imagine I was planning something sinister or that
I had actually had an affair with this man. I still think it’s better for the
scorned woman to take the high road. It does one no good to confront the other
woman. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wrong to have an affair with a married
man but I also think the man has a greater obligation to his wife than his
mistress does. The husband after all took vows and made a promise to be
faithful. And no woman really steals a man from his wife or girlfriend. The man
makes a conscious decision to have an affair and he should be held accountable
for his actions. It is unfair to put all or most of the blame on the other
woman.
Unfortunately though, rationality often goes out the window
when a woman thinks someone is going after her man. In my case, I believe it
would not only have been wrong for me to pursue the man in question but quite
frankly, impractical. The man I was supposedly trying to get my claws into is a
foreign national who lives on another continent. When we met he was in Lusaka
only because of a short-term work engagement. His wife, who was born and raised
in Zambia, was in the country on holiday. Maybe she thought I would try have an
intercontinental affair and either eventually lure him back to Lusaka for good
or something else equally as dumb and complicated. Had my accuser been secure
in her relationship she probably wouldn’t have messaged me. But she chose to
burden me with her insecurities and bring me into a situation that ultimately
had nothing to do with me.
Once my anger began to subside it began to make way for
amusement. And as I laughed it off I remembered the one other time I was accused
of trying to steal someone else’s husband. This man was relentlessly pursuing
me but I had absolutely no interest in him. Late one night as I was about to go
to bed I got a message from his “wife” telling me to stay away from her man.
She asked how I could dare go after a married man who also had a child. I knew
nothing of this woman, nor the child and I tried to explain that I wasn’t
interested in her husband but she would not listen to reason. It turned out
however that this woman had a child with the man but was not and had never been
married to him. It was unclear whether they had ever dated. What was clear is she
worried that I was a gold digger and that me being involved with her “baby
daddy” would mean she’d receive less financial support than usual. But
unfortunately she chose harassing me over talking to the father of her child.
I should add that I have actually been in a relationship
that ended because the guy left me for someone else. I knew exactly who she
was, we had mutual friends and I saw her on a regular basis. However, I said
nothing to her even though I could have confronted her. She does bear some responsibility
for the end of the relationship but ultimately it’s the guy that chose to leave
me and I’d have gained nothing from attacking her. I just wish more women would
see it this way. Talk to your significant other or leave him, it’s your choice.
But ladies, let’s not attack each other over decisions our partners make.
