The other day while sorting out an appointment at a Lusaka clinic and going through the usual paper work I noticed that the lady assisting me put me down as a “Mrs” on one of the forms. I must've gotten drunk and had a quickie wedding in Vegas and forgot about it. But seriously, the lady didn't ask, she just assumed I’m married. This annoyed me a little but honestly didn’t surprise me. This has happened to me a lot and it’s happened to some of my unmarried female friends and relatives. In Zambia if you’re a woman over a certain age, chances are people will assume you’re married.
On the one hand I get it. People in Zambia still get married
at a relatively young age. According to a 2009 sexual behaviour survey (the latest one I could find), the average
age at which women marry is 18.7 for women and 23 for men. As a female well into
my 20s I’m several years past the average age at which females in Zambia get
married. But seriously, how hard is it to ask before you fill in my details on
the form? How hard is it to just put me down as “Ms” which is applicable to all
women regardless of their marital status?
After I graduated from uni and returned to Zambia I had a couple of older ladies, both were family friends, say to me upon discovering that I was done with my studies and looking for a job, “So when’s the wedding?” It was said jokingly but there was an element of seriousness too. I had just finished uni and so naturally finding myself a husband was among the goals I had set for myself. At least that’s what a lot of people seemed to think. Many years before this, while my family’s maid was teaching me how to cook a few basic things she said something to me I’ll never forget. She told me it was important that I pay attention and learn as much as possible because no man wants to marry a woman who can’t cook. Apparently should a man marry me and find I’m no domestic goddess he’ll promptly leave me for our maid. I chose to shut up rather than tell her I would never marry a man who did not see me as an equal partner and who wasn’t willing to do household chores but instead expected me to be his domestic helper and personal chef. Truth be told, part of me I resented the fact that I had to learn how to cook. I was certain that if I were male no one would insist that I learn, especially in the Zambian context. I’d only be expected to partake of meals but not to ever prepare one or even wash a dish.
Interestingly enough the lady warning me on the perils of
not being an excellent cook is herself an independent and unmarried woman who
seemingly has no intention of ever getting married. Despite this she assumed
that finding a husband was one of my major life goals. And there lies the problem
in my eyes, the assumptions; the assumption either that I’m married or hunting
for a husband. Sure the average Zambian woman my age is married, but hey, I
guess I’m more than just average.
