Zed Hair guest post - I featured

I'm happy (and kinda proud) to say an article of mine has been featured on Zed Hair. The sight is hugely and is Zambia's number one natural hair blog. I wrote the article with Zed Hair in mind and I'm so happy it was accepted. In the article I reflect on my first year of having locks (dreads) and all that I've gone through in that time. My locks are really more than just a hairstyle. To understand what I mean, read on.

The other woman is not to blame

“Whatever you’re trying to do...Don’t forget that God sees,” the message began. I didn’t read the rest for several days but I knew instinctively what this was about. It was a message from a lady who was uncomfortable with me, a single woman, being friends with her husband. I had previously sensed that she disliked me and she had struck me as the jealous type but I decided to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt.

The message upset me more than it shocked me. For a start, despite what she may have thought, I wasn’t trying to steal away her man or anything of the sort. I thought she had a lot of nerve looking me up on Facebook and sending a message to falsely accuse me of something she had no evidence for.

However what was more upsetting than the false accusation was that she chose to attack “the other woman” rather than talk to her husband. I was an easy target. Rather than work up the courage to have a difficult talk with her husband about their relationship she confronted me from behind a computer screen.

But let’s imagine I was planning something sinister or that I had actually had an affair with this man. I still think it’s better for the scorned woman to take the high road. It does one no good to confront the other woman. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wrong to have an affair with a married man but I also think the man has a greater obligation to his wife than his mistress does. The husband after all took vows and made a promise to be faithful. And no woman really steals a man from his wife or girlfriend. The man makes a conscious decision to have an affair and he should be held accountable for his actions. It is unfair to put all or most of the blame on the other woman.

Unfortunately though, rationality often goes out the window when a woman thinks someone is going after her man. In my case, I believe it would not only have been wrong for me to pursue the man in question but quite frankly, impractical. The man I was supposedly trying to get my claws into is a foreign national who lives on another continent. When we met he was in Lusaka only because of a short-term work engagement. His wife, who was born and raised in Zambia, was in the country on holiday. Maybe she thought I would try have an intercontinental affair and either eventually lure him back to Lusaka for good or something else equally as dumb and complicated. Had my accuser been secure in her relationship she probably wouldn’t have messaged me. But she chose to burden me with her insecurities and bring me into a situation that ultimately had nothing to do with me.

Once my anger began to subside it began to make way for amusement. And as I laughed it off I remembered the one other time I was accused of trying to steal someone else’s husband. This man was relentlessly pursuing me but I had absolutely no interest in him. Late one night as I was about to go to bed I got a message from his “wife” telling me to stay away from her man. She asked how I could dare go after a married man who also had a child. I knew nothing of this woman, nor the child and I tried to explain that I wasn’t interested in her husband but she would not listen to reason. It turned out however that this woman had a child with the man but was not and had never been married to him. It was unclear whether they had ever dated. What was clear is she worried that I was a gold digger and that me being involved with her “baby daddy” would mean she’d receive less financial support than usual. But unfortunately she chose harassing me over talking to the father of her child.

I should add that I have actually been in a relationship that ended because the guy left me for someone else. I knew exactly who she was, we had mutual friends and I saw her on a regular basis. However, I said nothing to her even though I could have confronted her. She does bear some responsibility for the end of the relationship but ultimately it’s the guy that chose to leave me and I’d have gained nothing from attacking her. I just wish more women would see it this way. Talk to your significant other or leave him, it’s your choice. But ladies, let’s not attack each other over decisions our partners make.    

Husband wanted; black men need not apply

The front page of a recent edition of The Post, Zambia’s top selling daily newspaper, lead with headline, “I’m a virgin and my dream is to marry a white man.” Next to those words was a picture of Juliet Buumba, 21, who ran an advert in the paper in which stated she was looking for a man to marry, a white man to be precise. A silly but harmless thing to do I thought. She knows what she wants and she’s going after it, I told myself as I tried to rationalise her words.

The problem is her reasons for wanting a white man are based on a lie and Juliet’s ignorance. As she puts it, “White men are not violent. They do not abuse their wives and that is why I want a white man to marry me.” I’ll give Juliet credit for one thing; gender based violence (GBV) is a huge problem in Zambia and that’s putting it lightly. The same paper that carried Juliet’s story also featured an article stating that 8,699 cases of GBV had been reported in the country from January to June. We can safely assume that this is only a fraction of the cases and there are likely many more unreported cases as most women don’t report cases of abuse.

Perhaps Juliet has watched one too many American sitcoms featuring loving white families and near perfect white husbands and boyfriends. Or maybe she’s let herself believe that because incidents of GBV are high, all black Zambian men are bad people. Either way, she’s rather naïve for a 21-year-old. The story did generate a lot buzz (which is obviously what the Post was after) and Juliet has been condemned by many but she likely has some secret supporters especially among other black women who fantasise about partnering up with a white man.

Juliet Buumba

postzambia.com

While I’ve never dated much (Facebook needs an option for perpetually single), the times I have it’s been more out of my race than in it. As someone who’s dated more out of her race than in it I’ve received both admiration and criticism, although this criticism is often laced with some form of envy. Many a wide-eyed black girl has asked me what it’s like to date a white guy. “It must be nice one girl” once said, answering her own question. One friend initially told me that unlike me she could never date a white man but then weeks later admitted that she really badly wanted to date one. She was just embarrassed to admit it earlier. Another friend who has a policy of dating only white men “settled” for a mixed race man earlier this year. While he treated her rather well it was clear she would’ve been happy if he was fully white and not just half white.

I must honestly say I’ve generally felt that white guys have treated me better than non-whites but unlike Juliet I’ve not fooled myself into thinking that all white guys are better than all black guys. As one friend put it, “They’re not all Mr Darcy.” I do find myself making negative generalisations about Zambian men often. Today for instance while passing through two different bus stops on the way two work I got harassed by some men who thought it appropriate to make creepy comments about my appearance. I had close to a dozen men “undress me” with their eyes all before 8am. They seemed to think they were complimenting me but I simply felt violated. Some of these men get annoyed when I ignore them as if they deserve my attention after they whistle at me like an animal and rudely shout at me to come over to them. A significant proportion of Zambian men certainly need an attitude adjustment when it comes to the way they view women. I could write a whole other post on this and I have to stop myself going off on a rant right now.

At the time the Post article went to print Buumba had apparently received 50 responses, only 2 from white men. I can only assume the men must have a fetish for black women or perhaps have had a rather unsuccessful dating life. Because why else would they be willing to date a deluded woman who was mostly interested in them for the colour of their skin. And the 48 non-white men? I don’t even know what to think of them. Maybe they think they can “convert” Juliet and redeem black men.

If Juliet ends up with William, the respondent to her ad that she’s most interested in, I’d say the two deserve each other. In the same way that Kim and Kanye deserve each other, they’re both deluded people. But hey, I’ve spent too much time writing about a woman who I’m not sure deserves any attention at all.

Clemantine Wamariya's journey: genocide survivor to rights campaigner

Just over a week ago I attended an inspirational talk by Clemantine Wamariya. Clemantine survived the Rwandan genocide and was a refugee in seven African countries. Clemantine looked like she had it all together when she got on stage but a few seconds later she was on the verge of breaking down as she told the audience “I have no idea how I got here.” A strange thing to say perhaps but her experiences still haunt her and speaking about them can be overwhelming. Clemantine started to smile again as she told us why that night was especially significant for her; it was the first time she was giving a talk to a predominantly black African audience.

  

Poster promoting the event 

I was not at all surprised when Clemantine told us that she was no different from the street kids we pass by but was puzzled when Clemantine told us she is “that girl from Chibolya.” Clemantine has been a refugee in Burundi, Congo, Tanzania, Malawi, Mozambique, South Africa and unbeknownst to me, Zambia as well. She lived in Lusaka’s Chibolya township for a year and a half. At the time Chibolya was not the notorious drug haven it is today but it was still a tough place to live in. No one expects anything good to come out of Chibolya but Clemantine, the highly sought after speaker, human rights campaigner and Yale graduate lived there from 1998-2000.

She spoke about her childhood growing up in a middle class family. Her desires were simple; she was happy as long as she could play outside, remain queen of the mango tree in the yard and have some bubblegum to chew on. But then of course the genocide started in 1994 when she was six years old and her world was turned upside down. The words ‘genocide’ and ‘refugee’ mask so much says Clemantine. “Your whole being, your dignity is stripped away from you when you’re labelled a refugee.” When you get to a UNHCR camp you’re given an itchy blanket, a pot, food that “cuts your gut” and a tent (you may have to wait a while for this). Worst of all, there’s no protection from rape. “If you survive a month, god has been good to you,” Clemantine said.

Clemantine and her sister Claire were first refugees in Burundi but after a year and a half they moved on to Congo DR. However, after war broke out the Congo they headed to Tanzania and later Malawi. In Malawi Clemantine stayed in a refugee camp that used to be a prison and in Mozambique she and her sister were thrown into prison for entering the country illegally. Of her time spent in South Africa she said, “Life was good. We ate chicken.”

Wanting to be visible

When Clemantine escaped Rwanda she wanted to be invisible in order to avoid rape and other forms of physical violence and to avoid death. But when she arrived in Lusaka exhausted, starving and disoriented in the middle of Town Centre Market she found herself wanting to be visible once again. When she least expected it a lady handed her some ice water and a banana and she felt visible once again. Clemantine insists it wasn’t so much the water and food that mattered but more the fact that someone noticed her finally. That lady and a few others that had helped her during her time in Chibolya were in the audience sitting in the VIP section. It was heartwarming to hear Clemantine pay tribute to them.

In Chibolya she lived in a room no larger than a square metre with her sister and her sister’s two children. But she didn’t complain, “It was just life,” she said of the experience. The worst part of it all was seeing other kids in in their uniforms as they came back from school. (Clemantine had not attended school since leaving Rwanda.) Believing her parents were dead, it was also difficult for her to see other kids with their mums and dads.

A new life in the US

Clemantine and Claire cleaned houses in Durban, South Africa often with the TV on and tuned to the Oprah Winfrey Show. One day Claire declared that she and Clemantine would appear on the show, despite the sheer unlikelihood of that happening and the fact that they did not fully understand what the show was about because their English was poor. Claire was right though. In 2006 she appeared on the show with Clemantine after Clemantine won the Oprah Winfrey National High School Essay Contest that year. Clemantine and Claire were reunited with their parents after 12 years apart and met their two brothers who were born after the genocide, for the first time on the show.

OWN TV

Through the assistance of the International Organisation for Migration (IOM) Clemantine, Claire and Claire's children moved to the US in 2000 and Chicago has been their home ever since. However, Clemantine noted that the transition wasn’t easy and when you’re told you’ll be moving, no one ever tells you some things are better in your home country or in your home continent. Clemantine's parents and brother have also relocated to Chicago. 

Ever a pessimist, I struggled to understand how Clemantine managed to remain so positive after what she went through. Importantly, Clemantine doesn't seek people's pity nor does she define herself as as victim. She also refused to let her self be limited by her past. She summarises her life’s philosophy with the abbreviation ICU which stands for Inspire, Connect and Uplift and surely everyone in the audience would agree she did all this on the night of her talk.

Who’s afraid of natural hair?

My longest ever job search recently came to an end after I was offered a position at an online magazine. One of the things I had to seriously consider was how my hair might affect my chances should a potential employer call me in for an interview. I have natural hair and save for a few times in my life I never wear weaves. Generally speaking, sleek straight hair is considered more professional than kinky natural hair so there was always a possibility that an interviewer will judge a natural unfairly because of my hair. And I’m not the only one who feels that way. 

A friend with locs (dreadlocks) told me that she used to wear a weave over her hair to increase her chances of getting hired. A few days or even weeks, always to the shock of her co-workers, she’d arrive at work with her shoulder length locks in their full glory. Another friend told me her sister would wear a wig over her natural hair when she attended interviews because she felt otherwise her chances of getting hired were almost non-existent.

My main locspiration, Franchesca "Chescaleigh" Ramsey

ain't nothing dreadful about this

  

 franchesca.net

I’m glad to say I got offered a job after attending an interview wearing my newly done baby locs. But then again I was interviewed by a Scandinavian woman and I do sometimes wonder what the outcome would’ve been if my interviewer was a black Zambian. This is not to say that I think most Zambian employers would refuse to hire a person based on their hair alone but biases exists. A woman wearing a weave or wig will never have to worry about the hair on her head reducing her chances of getting hired. A black Zambian woman in a Peruvian weave all the way down her back won’t feel compelled to take out her weave lest she be perceived to be as fake as the hair on her head. But step into an interview with a fro or locs and you’ll just have to accept the fact that you may be written off as unprofessional, untidy, a rebel making a political statement or a druggie before you’ve said a single word.

People should do what they want with their hair and that includes chemical straightening and wearing weaves or wigs. And those of us who chose to keep hair in its natural state shouldn’t be discriminated against, but the fact is, we are. Hair shouldn’t be political but unfortunately, it is.

Excuse me, I didn't know I got married

The other day while  sorting out an appointment at a Lusaka clinic and going through the usual paper work I noticed that the lady assisting me put me down as a “Mrs” on one of the forms. I must've gotten drunk and had a quickie wedding in Vegas and forgot about it. But seriously, the lady didn't ask, she just assumed I’m married. This annoyed me a little but honestly didn’t surprise me. This has happened to me a lot and it’s happened to some of my unmarried female friends and relatives. In Zambia if you’re a woman over a certain age, chances are people will assume you’re married.

On the one hand I get it. People in Zambia still get married at a relatively young age. According to a 2009 sexual behaviour survey (the latest one I could find), the average age at which women marry is 18.7 for women and 23 for men. As a female well into my 20s I’m several years past the average age at which females in Zambia get married. But seriously, how hard is it to ask before you fill in my details on the form? How hard is it to just put me down as “Ms” which is applicable to all women regardless of their marital status?

After I graduated from uni and returned to Zambia I had a couple of older ladies, both were family friends, say to me upon discovering that I was done with my studies and looking for a job, “So when’s the wedding?” It was said jokingly but there was an element of seriousness too. I had just finished uni and so naturally finding myself a husband was among the goals I had set for myself. At least that’s what a lot of people seemed to think. Many years before this, while my family’s maid was teaching me how to cook a few basic things she said something to me I’ll never forget. She told me it was important that I pay attention and learn as much as possible because no man wants to marry a woman who can’t cook. Apparently should a man marry me and find I’m no domestic goddess he’ll promptly leave me for our maid. I chose to shut up rather than tell her I would never marry a man who did not see me as an equal partner and who wasn’t willing to do household chores but instead expected me to be his domestic helper and personal chef. Truth be told, part of me I resented the fact that I had to learn how to cook. I was certain that if I were male no one would insist that I learn, especially in the Zambian context. I’d only be expected to partake of meals but not to ever prepare one or even wash a dish.

Interestingly enough the lady warning me on the perils of not being an excellent cook is herself an independent and unmarried woman who seemingly has no intention of ever getting married. Despite this she assumed that finding a husband was one of my major life goals. And there lies the problem in my eyes, the assumptions; the assumption either that I’m married or hunting for a husband. Sure the average Zambian woman my age is married, but hey, I guess I’m more than just average.